I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
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We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
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If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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