OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
