Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
