Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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