We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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