I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Randomize
