I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
