he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
