I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
