ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
and you fell through a lawn chair
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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