Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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