New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
