Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
