I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
