last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
