I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
the night ended with taco bell and tears
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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