Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
