So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
