i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
