You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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