I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
