If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
