not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
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Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
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I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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