how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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