True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
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