I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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