highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
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I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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