Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
