you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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