it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
