Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
