he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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