I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
