she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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