Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle