Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
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pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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