i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
