On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
