I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
