Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
