dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
