you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
COCAINE IS GR8
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
