So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
