Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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