he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
