I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
