hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
