when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
