Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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