I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
