and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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