My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
