I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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