just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
