Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
