Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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