she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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