Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
