i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
