Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
