Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
