I CAN MOONWALK!
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i need to put some appletini on your dick
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
