Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
