I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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