So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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