I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
