Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
